Diyos ko, hindi ako makapaniwalang nagising ako ngayong umaga. Minsan, naiisip ko na baka bumigay na ako...na tuluyang mawalan ng sigla ang aking kaluluwa. Minsan, naiisip ko kung tama nga bang pinadala N'yo ako rito sa lupa…kung tama bang pinalasap N'yo sa akin kung paano ang mabuhay. Nung hindi pa ako tao, hiniling ko po ba sa Inyo na maging tao ako? Sana, sana hindi N'yo na lamang ako pinakinggan..dahil alam kong hindi na ako maaaring bumawi. Hindi ko na pwedeng hilingin na maging parte muli ng hangin, o maging isa sa mga bituing kumukutikutitap sa kalangitan tuwing gabi. Marahil nangako Kang tutuparin Mo ang kahilingan ko, kahit ilang beses Mo akong binigyan ng babala, pero dahil sabi ko sa Iyo na iyon ang makakapagpaligaya sa akin, ginawa Mo para sa akin. Bakit po ba hindi ako nakinig sa Inyo? Bakit ko pa po ipinagpilitan ang isang bagay na magdudulot lamang ng paghihirap?

Sa totoo lang, naiintindihan ko na po kung bakit Ninyo ipinaranas sa amin ito. Naiintindihan ko na po ang kahulugan ng pagpapakasakit, hindi para sa sarili, kung hindi para sa iba. Naiintindihan ko na po na ang limitasyon ko ay malalampasan din pagdating ng tamang panahon, na ang lahat ng kagustuhan ko'y mapapasaakin din subalit mayroong kapalit.

Isa na ako sa mga taong hindi marunong magpahalaga sa mga bagay na nandyan. Isa na ako sa mga taong nagsisimulang magpabaya ng sarili. Isa na ako sa mga taong nagpapakalunod sa makamundong pagkakamulat na walang naidulot kung hindi puro kasalanan.Isa na ako sa mga taong nagdadahilan na hindi makagawa ng mabuti dahil hamak na tao lamang. Isa na ako sa mga taong nagpapaalipin sa idinidikta ng lipunan, waring malaya, subalit hindi. At isa na ako sa mga taong nagpakabulag dahil inakalang tunay ang nararamdaman.

Panginoon ko, pagod na pagod na po ako. Ilang taon ko na po bang paulit-ulit na sinasambit ito? Ilang beses Nyo na po bang narinig ito mula sa aking mga labi at puso? Pero bawat taon, heto pa rin ako, buhay at nananalangin sa Inyo, sapagkat hindi ko kayang kitilin ang sarili kong buhay. Hindi ko kayang hindi bigyang halaga ang regalong ito na nagmula sa Inyo.

Pero, isang hiling lamang po…na sana sa pagmulat ng aking mga mata tuwing umaga, maramdaman ko ang pag-ibig Mong nag-uumapaw dahil kung hindi ko na maramdaman ang init ng Iyong mga yakap, marahil tuluyan na akong maliligaw sa landas na aking tinatahak.

Mahal kita, Panginoon. Hindi sapat na sabihin lamang ito, subalit napakahirap patunayang tunay Kang mahal. Hindi ako karapatdapat sa Iyong pagmamahal, subalit hindi ko na magawang talikuran ang Iyong mga yakap. Nais kong manatiling nakatiklop sa Iyong mga braso, at tuluyang mawala sa mundong makamandag.

Nais kong maintindihan ang kahulugan ng aking bawat paghinga.
Nais kong maabot ang rurok ng kaalamang bumabalot sa aking pagkatao.
Nais kong maisapuso ang dahilan ng aking pagkakaluwal sa mundong ito.

Higit sa lahat, nais kong ibigay ang aking sarili…sa Iyo…buong-buo…walang pag-aalinlangan…

Kung iyan ang nakatakda para sa akin.

Ah.

Silence.

Finally, the world stopped revolving and I can stand still. These thoughts in my head are the only ones I long to bear inside me, no matter how troubling or how depressing... these thoughts comprise the entire me. But alas, I have no words for all the things that go in my head.

Then, a voice... almost a whisper, saying, "You say you have no words..but why do you speak a lot? Aloud even?"

I pause.

I am stunned.

I am talking to myself, contradicting myself...in my head!

There is no one more crazy than I.

Birthday blues

Terrible, terrible day. Saturday was ultimately depressing...so depressing I actually felt nothing, and just allowed my mind to block the truth that it was my birthday. The rain poured alongside with my feelings, and although I wanted to be comforted with every pitter-patter, I clenched my fists in the attempt to hide the desolation and utter despair. It's quite fascinating how I didn't shed a single tear, and of how I held captive all the screams...

God. Every thought that comes out of my head is a prayer. I plead for this wretchedness to end.

breakdown

I need a hug pretty badly. Days of becoming irritable and unhappy are coming, but i know it is a test of character to maintain a happy disposition, especially around other people. I don't want to be another's pain in the b***, you know.

I know that these down feelings are just brought about by factors I can take hold of, so I guess I just have to figure out why I suddenly feel this way.

However, sometimes I hear this voice saying, "Why do you have to convince yourself that you can be happier? Why can't you just accept the fact that whatever you do, wherever you go, and whomever you turn to, the emptiness will never, ever be filled...You are such a stubborn child. You are doomed towards unhappiness."

It's quite ironic, isn't it? You see me smile, a smile that other people find so sweet and innocent, but this smile has become a part of the mask I've chosen to wear. I wake up each day trying to convince myself that the day will be a better one than yesterday, but at the end of it all, my existence still proved to be meaningless, bleak and bloody monotonous.

I have been searching for a number of years already, but found no answers. Sometimes, I just accept the fact that life is not to be questioned, only experienced. Nevertheless, I still get this feeling inside me, this feeling of constant hunger for answers to all the questions in my head, like "Why am I alive?" I don't know. I may have thought that I knew the answer to this one, yet after some time, I realized I was only holding air in my hands: immaterial, passing, fleeting, unseen. Seems every answer I get is everything but permanent. All the realizations I've discerned all get blown like dust every now and then.

I know that I have a blessed life, that there is nothing more I could ask for because I have such wonderful parents and friends. That's why I always feel guilty wanting to become happier when I know that I have so much.

Until when must I pretend that everything is going fine...even when I know that my whole world is crashing before my very own eyes. I'm breaking apart. Can somebody just shoot me? (I'm not kidding)

Not yet...

Today was another superficial day. I went to work, and it didn't even seem like I just cried last night...

I don't know if you'd find this quite unusual. Do you know when you have the capacity to foresee how your future would turn out, or know just what would happen next? Sometimes I think I do. Some things in life are predictable. It's the timing that I just couldn't say. It's happened quite a lot of times already, and now it scares to know that I am still right this time.

I got home past midnight yesterday, and I went straight to my room, not that I was already too tired, but due to the fact that I needed to vent out the pain inside my chest. You know how it feels when you see the one you love sufferiing, and you just couldn't stand it, but you're helpless? As if you also feel what he/she might be going through.

Well, I saw my dad sleeping on the couch, and my mom beside him. I think they both waited for me to come home, eventhough my dad was sick. This may sound absurd but I cry every time my mom or my dad is sick. I fear that if we take for granted their sickness, it may be too late for us...and that is one thing I know I couldn't bear.

I still have a lot of plans for my parents...and I just can't, won't see my life without them.