breakdown

I need a hug pretty badly. Days of becoming irritable and unhappy are coming, but i know it is a test of character to maintain a happy disposition, especially around other people. I don't want to be another's pain in the b***, you know.

I know that these down feelings are just brought about by factors I can take hold of, so I guess I just have to figure out why I suddenly feel this way.

However, sometimes I hear this voice saying, "Why do you have to convince yourself that you can be happier? Why can't you just accept the fact that whatever you do, wherever you go, and whomever you turn to, the emptiness will never, ever be filled...You are such a stubborn child. You are doomed towards unhappiness."

It's quite ironic, isn't it? You see me smile, a smile that other people find so sweet and innocent, but this smile has become a part of the mask I've chosen to wear. I wake up each day trying to convince myself that the day will be a better one than yesterday, but at the end of it all, my existence still proved to be meaningless, bleak and bloody monotonous.

I have been searching for a number of years already, but found no answers. Sometimes, I just accept the fact that life is not to be questioned, only experienced. Nevertheless, I still get this feeling inside me, this feeling of constant hunger for answers to all the questions in my head, like "Why am I alive?" I don't know. I may have thought that I knew the answer to this one, yet after some time, I realized I was only holding air in my hands: immaterial, passing, fleeting, unseen. Seems every answer I get is everything but permanent. All the realizations I've discerned all get blown like dust every now and then.

I know that I have a blessed life, that there is nothing more I could ask for because I have such wonderful parents and friends. That's why I always feel guilty wanting to become happier when I know that I have so much.

Until when must I pretend that everything is going fine...even when I know that my whole world is crashing before my very own eyes. I'm breaking apart. Can somebody just shoot me? (I'm not kidding)